I haven't had much of a relationship with my father for my whole life. He got bad into drugs when I was little and physically abused my mother. She left when I was four but I still have memories of their fights. Growing up he was in and out of my life. He disappeared when I was 9 or 10 only to resurface with a phone call when I was 11. He had left Florida to get away from the drugs. From that point forward he we come in and out of my life. Mainly he would show up, take me shopping and disappear again.
When I was 16 or 17 I went and spent a week with him in NC. A major turning point came when I was 18 and living on my own. Her called me drunk and high and yelled at me for not sending him a xmas gift. I was in hysterics and have only spoken to him (besides letters) once since when he called by surprise (3 yrs ago)He only knows how to contact me at work since I work with my mom. He has none of my personal info.
About 5 years ago I wrote a 3 page letter, you know the type you never mean to send, and basically called him out for being a shitty parent. He apologized and our contact since that point has only been letters and cards for xmas, birthday etc. He found out about my wedding after the fact when I mailed him pictures.
Well.. he called the office about 40 minutes ago and told me that he has cancer in his throat and is being hospitalized for treatment. I truly have no words and I don't know what to think or feel. I haven't seen this man in 11 years and until today had no desire. Yet, for some reason I am feeling guilty. All of a sudden I feel like I should go see him. He has no family besides me. I am more lost right now then I have been in a very, very long time.
Sorry to put this on you all.. if you made it this far thank you... ugghh.. and here come the tears
Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
3 years ago
7 comments:
That certainly is heavy. I wish I could tell you what the "right" thing to do is, but I am guessing there is no right thing. You have to try and decide what you are going to feel best about in 5, 10, 15 years time.
Good luck.
Wow. That's not something that is really easy to deal with. I hope you decide to do what is best for you and if you need to vent, I'm always here. Good luck!
That was a lot of emotion for you to take in one sitting. No doubt you are feeling overwhelmed. I pray you find the answers you seek, and no matter what you decide, we are always here to support you.
I'm really sorry. That's so complicated =( *hugs*
I'm seeing this really late..but I can relate completely. If you want to chat about it, let me know.
xoxo
*hugs* I'm sorry you have to have these feelings dredged up. I too understand the whole abusive father angst, all too well actually.
Do what is best for you and what ever you decide, please have no guilt. I know it's hard but sometimes we have to have self preservation and no one can begrudge you that.
I have no clue how I just stumbled across your blog but this post really hits home with me. My biological father and I do not have a relationship, he physically abused my mom and she is now remarried to my wonderful Dad(stepfather). I just wanted to let you know not to feel guilty, God has a way of working it all out and knows how much we can handle.
On another note your bloging is great!
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